Cassandra Gonzalez and her daughter Savannah, on Graduation Day.
Credit: Sara Harris, Youth Radio
Ever since I was a little girl I promised myself I would finish college before I had a child. That didn’t happen.
Savannah
Credit: Sara Harris, Youth Radio
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By Cassandra Gonzalez
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The state of California is struggling to balance its budget. One of the many belt-tightening measures legislators have taken this year is a significant reduction in visiting hours at state prisons. For Youth Radio's Cassandra Gonzalez, it means that her baby’s father gets less time with their daughter.
Ever since I was a little girl I promised myself I would finish college before I had a child. That didn’t happen. I also swore I would find a good loving father who would be around for my child. That didn’t happen either…
Phone rings, "You have collect call from 'Johnny'…"
That’s my baby’s dad. He’s calling from L.A. County jail, and I recorded him on a low-fi cassette deck, so it might sound kinda scratchy.
JOHNNY (on tape)
Hey Babe.
Cassandra: It’s about time.
CASSANDRA
I met Johnny when I was eleven. He was my brother’s friend. I’d run into him on and off when we were kids. Then suddenly he disappeared. I heard he got busted for robbery and ended up at Pelican Bay-the maximum-security prison. When he was released, I met up with him again.
JOHNNY (on tape)
I ended up getting busted and now I’m here paying for my mistakes.
CASSANDRA
Looks like I’m paying for his mistakes, too. When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked because the doctor told me I couldn’t have kids. My first reaction was to cry. I was scared. Abortion crossed my mind, but there was no way I could bring myself to do it. At least Johnny didn’t say, “It ain’t mine” like some guys do. He had to go back to jail when I was 5 months pregnant. So he couldn’t even be there when our 9 lb baby girl arrived on August 31st, at 4:58 in the morning.
I named her Savannah…I felt blessed, but at the same time I felt like just another statistic. Like a chapter in that all-too-common story; boy meets girl…girl gets pregnant…boy gets busted…baby has no dad.
I take Savannah a week after she’s born to visit her father for the first time. The Los Angeles County Jail is loud and dirty. The crowded visiting room sounds like a flock of baa’ing sheep.
Everyone here has a story. Everyone wants to know my story. The other visitors stare at me when I step into the line for protected custody felons, homosexuals, and high profile inmates, waiting for Johnny’s name to be called.
The line can take anywhere from 2 to 9 hours, and even after the wait you’re never guaranteed a visit and might have to come back another day.
My heart is racing by the time I approach the window, thinking, “this is how Johnny gets to meet his daughter for the very first time.” I watch his lonely eyes admire her through a thick glass window. I pick up the telephone, and he tells me:
I wish I could go home with you…I wanna go home with you guys. I wanna carry her…I wish I could smell her!
But sometimes, I get frustrated because he’s not here to help me when I don’t sleep all night, and I have homework to do and class the next morning. It’s not fair that I have to do it alone and that Savannah doesn’t have her daddy because of his stupidity.
But I’m still young. And I have priorities now. Savannah is number one. But for now, we’ll have to be a family the only way we can…on the occasional visit…in letters…and on the phone.
JOHNNY (on tape)
Alright. I love you baby, goodbye.
CASSANDRA
He gets on my nerves, but he’s Savannah’s Dad, so I love him.
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