An Indian Wedding

"Being at a Surat wedding made everyone in the family nostalgic– even me, though I was seeing the spectacle for the first time."

By Nishat Kurwa

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When you think of arranged marriage in India, you may think of village communities where parents make matrimonial choices for pre-pubescent children. But in urban areas, arranged marriage plays out differently. Parents and their children share in decisions about the newest member of the family. But when a young urban Indian moves to the U.S., the options get more complicated. Youth Radio’s Nishat Kurwa traveled to Surat, India, for a traditional wedding...after her cousin, a new American, decided to return home to India to find a wife. (April 16 on NPR's All Things Considered)

My cousin Adnan has been living in the U.S. for more than five years now. Once he became eligible…as eligible a bachelor could be - with a green card, and enrolled in a master's program - his mom didn’t waste any time. She made plans for him to come back to India to meet potential wives. It all moved really fast – before the three-week visit was over, he was engaged. Arranged marriage became the simplest, most attractive option for my cousin. He says it’s made him very happy, and of course, everyone else too.

ADNAN (on tape)
Marrying someone here would mean that I would almost totally break any links that I had with my parents back home. Choosing someone from India would bring me back.

NISHAT
Ultimately, the wedding brought him all the way back...to Surat, our family’s ancestral hometown in India’s Gujarat state.

This is where my grandparents got married. Being at a Surat wedding made everyone in the family nostalgic – even me, though I was seeing the spectacle for the first time. Over and over, my relatives reminded me...a Surat wedding is special.

RELATIVE (on tape)
And then the baharo fool barsow- mere mehboob ar ay- they sing THAT song. My god, you know the heart goes like this!

AUNT (on tape)
I tell you!

RELATIVE (on tape)
It’s beautiful! It’s so meaningful!

NISHAT
The groom is the center of attention for the sargas, the big procession through the five narrow streets that historically belonged to our Muslim Bohra community.

First the firecrackers announce the groom’s arrival on a white horse, sending the women scurrying into open doorways.

A live band, marching in front of the groom and his male relatives, plays old Hindi love songs.

In a quiet moment, Adnan and his bride, Tasneem, reminisced about the day their families first brought them together.

ADNAN (on tape)
Her entrance itself caught my attention...I remember she walked in and she had this crew of kids behind her, you know, just like Pied Piper...

TASNEEM (on tape)
I love kids!

NISHAT
Adnan and Tasneem were engaged just a few days after their first meeting, and the family in India was overjoyed. But it seemed funky to me at the time. He basically chose a wife by a committee consisting of himself and his folks, letting them help decide the moment he should take the plunge toward marriage.

But don’t get it twisted - even though I was skeptical about the process that led up to Adnan’s marriage...I relished in the wedding itself. From the day celebrations began, I had been counting down the hours to the final night…

My aunt Ateka knows I love this kind of thing.

ATEKA (on tape)
I wish Nishat could understand this music! It’s all when they take the bride away. Nishat, this music, it is “to give a daughter away it breaks your heart.”

NISHAT
It’s strange to hear myself say this – but being around all these “sentimental moments” made me wistful. It seems Adnan and Tasneem have just melted into each other’s lives with such ease. I can hear my mom’s voice now saying, “See? That’s the advantage of marrying someone from inside your community.”

When Adnan picked Tasneem, he also chose to continue our family’s way of life, to give his future children an unbroken link to the past, and to give all his relatives a happy ending to his move to the U.S. My cousin says he can’t picture me following that path: the rebellious American-born daughter allowing my parents to introduce me to prospective husbands.

ADNAN (on tape)
I would be surprised if you did it...I don’t see you allowing them to bring a guy and say, "Okay, y’all guys meet and see if things work out."

NISHAT
I’m not as closed-minded as he thinks. After all, I’ve been raised to understand the nuances of Gujarati jokes and cry at the stories of our Muslim prophets. I want my future family to reflect these connections – to be insiders like myself. In some ways, this is only possible if I’m willing to consider marrying a partner who grew up like I did.

And my parents are willing to meet me halfway. On Valentines Day, I walked into my house to find a candle, a potted rose and a cryptic note from my mom closing with this thought – “Whatever you decide regarding your life is fine with us. You are our daughter first.”

That’s in the note – but since then, my mom hasn’t stopped trying to convince me that meeting a few guys of her choice might not be so bad. Like Adnan’s parents, she’s decided the time is right for matchmaking…while the wedding music is still playing in my head.


- "An Indian Wedding" was produced by Youth Radio’s International Desk, in association with National Geographic.